My Last Blog Before i Become a Dad

3 May

“You and i will meet again, when we’re least expecting it.  One day in some far off place, i will recognize your face.  i won’t say goodbye my friend, for you and i will meet again.”  – Tom Petty

What is up kids?

Well i’ll tell you what’s up.  Any day now, maybe even any second, i’m about to become a father for the first time in my life.  That i know about! HAHAHAHAHA ugh, shut up.

And being that i actually want to try and be successful at this dad stuff unlike literally every other endeavor that i have attempted in my life, this unfortunately means that i’m going to have to take a break from this blog that i love for a hot one despite how much it means to me to write it.

And for real, i realized a long time ago that as much as i love my faithful readers and will never be able to explain how much it means to me that you read my nonsense, the truth is i have always and will always have written this blog for myself.  Because surprisingly i’m not always the best at expressing myself in person.  And by “not the best” i mean i’m usually a stumbling over my words ahole who sounds like a complete and utter bag of anxious douche when i try to explain myself about anything.  But for some reason writing always came easier to me, and the confusion i get when trying to speak the words in my dome piece all become clear once the pen hits the paper.  “Pen?  But you type out your blog on a computer, what are you talking about?” Shut up, that’s what i’m talking about.

But somehow when i started this blog back on March 23rd 2011 i knew it would mean a lot to me to keep up with this blog and to not just start something and not finish it like i do with pretty much everything else.  But 5 years and 426 blogs later i can actually say for one of the few times in my life i’m actually proud of myself, and as i take this break now to go focus on my beautiful wife and my soon to be new family i’m actually okay doing it because i proved to myself that i can stick with something and for once i didn’t disappoint myself. And while i was at it i wrote some pretty f*cking funny and smart and original comedy along the way.

So enjoy today’s Random Nonsense everyone, it might be awhile before you get any more from me so savor this as much as i savor the New York Rangers getting knocked out of the playoffs every year!

RANDOM NONSENSE

 

 – So i know it’s hard to believe but i have to admit to all of you that i’m actually not Jewish.  However, there is something that i love about the Jewish tradition that i want to adopt into my own personal life that i really want to talk about, and that’s the smashing of glasses!  Have you ever been to a Jewish celebration, and then they put a glass in napkin and step on it and say “Jumanji!”  i gotta say that tradition looks MONEY and i want in ASAP!

But i’ll tell you right now i don’t want to be Jewish.  Nothing against them but i’m not about giving up my Saturdays, i think dreidels are lame and Matzah tastes like bland garbage.  And learning Hebrew?  If i’m going to learn another language it’s going to be Spanish, or at the very least i’ll try to get better at English.  Even though to be honest i think i ain’t not to bad at it at all, no?

But yeah as far as the smashing glasses thing i am IN!  i haven’t figured out what i could do it for, maybe when the NY Giants win a game i could smash a glass against the wall?  Or when the Rangers season finally ends without a Stanley Cup the way it has every single year since 1940 except for the “fluke of 94” i could smash some $hit in glee?  i don’t know, i haven’t figured out all the details yet.  But i’m over this whole not being Jewish and not having a tradition of smashing glass so someone get me a bottle ASAP!

– Dear restaurants that come around with grated cheese, can you just cut the bull$hit and leave the cheese on my table please?  i mean if you really want i have NONE trouble sitting there watching you empty the entire bowl onto my plate of pasta, because if you’re waiting for me to say “when” so you can stop your arms are gonna be MAD tired and you’re going to be waiting for a LONG ass time.  But instead, how about we cut out the embarrassment for both of us and you just leave that $hit so i can pretend my penne is the North Pole as i cover my beautiful winter scenery with a few feet of delicious snow?

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Bees Knees”  That’s the first name i ever used for this bit and i still think it’s the best!!!

– So part of me feels like i can’t wait to take a break from this blog.  Some days i would much rather booze and pass out and spend all day puking my lungs out then trying to sober up and put out an all new comedy blog full of free ha ha’s each week.  But an even bigger part of me already knows i’m going to miss this, because i love this blog almost as much as i love my life.

But no one loves their life more then my next entry into The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  and one look at him enjoying the beautiful water in mother nature i’m pretty sure you’ll agree.  So enjoy Jim Post and “i Love My Life!”

Fast Food Tips –  Here’s a fast food tip for all of you, PLEASE stop eating fast food!  Literally the biggest travesty out of everything is the fact that these corporations are allowed to call what they serve,”food” let alone fast.  Although if by “fast” they are talking about how fast this terrible poison will exit your anus or as fast as your disgusting painful death for eating this $hit your whole life will come then i guess fast food is an appropriate name.

But for real my friends, i’ll never tell you how to live your life. i know no one likes being judged, let alone by a sexy yet slightly overweight binge drinker who spends most weekends throwing up violently in the toilet and/or park behind his house.  And i know about Murica and freedom and yeah yeah yeah f*ck all of that.  The truth is this stuff is poison, and it’s chemically engineered to be delicious which it is but it’s straight up killing all of you.  Even if you’re active and skinny, if you eat fast food you’re much like Biff’s car in Back to the Future 2. You’re beautiful on the outside but inside you are filled to the brim with horse manure.  Although horse might be a better grade of meat then you’d get at Taco Bell…

But stop eating this $hit kids, seriously.  And i know you want to point the finger at me next to stop but i’ll tell you right now that i gave up fast food on January 1st of this year and haven’t had ANY all year.  And if you don’t think i’ve wanted to go the Taco Bell $1 breakfast value meal with a $100 bill and eat fast food breakfast until my heart and butthole exploded you are dead wrong.  But i haven’t eaten any and you shouldn’t either.  Not because i’m telling you not too, but because i love you guys and want you to live long, healthy, diarrhea free lives.  Or don’t listen to me and eat this filth and die horribly eventually, i don’t give a f*ck.  i’m just sayin.

So i don’t think it is but just in case this is my last blog ever i figure the money way to go out would be by reposting my very 1st rant ever back on March 23rd 2011.  Back when i was just a young, svelte, dashing young teenager, when my world revolved around nothing but beer pong, Kate Upton, boozing, power hours, Kate Upton and Kate Upton.  Who just got engaged by the way which i’m guessing is because she heard i’m already hitched so who cares what she does.  And it’s crazy to think that now my life will involve nothing but crying babies, changing diapers, figuring out how to put in a car seat and of course… beer pong.

But thanks again to all of you for reading “Here Comes the Money…” i know this sounds like i’m saying goodbye forever but it is most certainly not that.  It’s just for once i have something more important to focus on then just myself and my comedy and my random nonsense.  i have a beautiful wife whom i love and adore and we’re going to be having a new member soon to create my very own family.  So while i try to learn to grow up and take care of little Maximilian Jose, i need to say goodbye for now and i guess i’ll cya when i cya.

So i’m leaving you now with my first rant ever, although don’t forget you can always keep up with me on our Here Comes the Money… Facebook page and at @migueljose_85 on Twitter or on Instagram at VHSBREAKDOWN!

      So i’m writing my first blog, i feel like this is a lot of pressure for something that maybe if i’m lucky 2-3 people including myself will read…

But i’ve realized i have too much going on in my dome or mind grapes as Tracy Jordan would put it to not be writing anymore.  If there’s one thing I miss about being in high school besides being able to bang high school girls legally is the fact that during school i would write all gddamn day.  Songs, poems, rants, jokes… that’s all I would do all day is f’n write and i miss it terribly.

But i’ve been told that i should write a blog so i’m joining that bandwagon now.  yeah i know i’m late, i’m always late for everything.  i actually just signed up for something called “the Myspace” which is apparently the hip website the kids are on but now everyone tells me i should be on “Friendbook” instead or whatever it’s called.  maybe i’ll find out about that eventually.

yes i’m kidding.  i’m almost always kidding.  i pretty much never lie but i also never say anything without 98% of it being sarcasm.  until they come up w/ a “sarcasm” font you’re just gonna have to get it people who are not even reading this.

But yeah that’s about enough for my first blog i guess, it’s just the gddamn introduction for the love of pete.  My plan is to rant a bit on something each day and then post a few thoughts i gots after.  like Carlin’s Brain Droppings or Aaron Karo’s “Ruminations” but you know, my ideas.  But yeah when you just need to waste time on the internet and no one’s posting anything good on facebook and you can’t think of anything to look up on Wikipedia hopefully you’ll waste a few minutes on my blog because the lord knows i need the attention…- miguel josé

LATER DICKS!

The Blog About Goodbyes

26 Apr

“Life is just a party, and parties weren’t meant to last.”  – Prince

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, this is going to be a blog about goodbyes because fortunately and unfortunately i have a few to say today.  The first one of course goes to Prince, a musical Icon who transcended genre and gender and is truly one of the most talented and original musicians who have ever lived.  And this in a country that puts people like Justin Beiber and the Jonas Brothers consistently in the top 10 of music despite the fact that none of these fools ever wrote one lyric let alone one musical note.  “But c’mon Miguel, the Beebs new album is really great you should give it a try!”  Great idea!  i’ll listen to it during my colonoscopy, this way  i have $hit coming out of my a$$ and into my ears at the same time!

But that’s not the only goodbye i need to mention today,  as next week will be my last blog for awhile.  And why is that?  Because my first child is set to be born any day now and i’m going to be busy doing things like learning how to change a diaper for the first time and how to survive on only 4 hours of broken sleep and how to not just be a $hitty dad in general.

And i know i haven’t talked a lot about this whole becoming a parent thing here on this blog, mostly because there is NOTHING more boring to me on the planet then hearing new parents talk.  “OMG you’ll never believe how crazy it is to be a parent!  Kids do and say the darndest things!”  Oh, do they?  Are they super unoriginal and boring things like you’re saying right now?  Because however insane and wacky being a parent is to you, anyone who hears about it feels the exact opposite and would rather eat a diseased chipotle burrito pushed through the end of the body it usually comes out of then listen to more lame parenting bull$hit.

So personally i choose to not talk about that stuff, because i only want to write about funny things and there ain’t nothing funny about parenting except to other parents.  And i’m sure i’ll be old and lame soon but i’m not there yet, so you fools will need to wait on that $hit because i’m still cool mother*ckers!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– So as much as it sucks to do so we’re saying goodbye to Prince and i’m going to be saying goodbye to you all for a hot one again on this blog next week.  And yet i feel like there is one more goodbye i need to drop today, i just can’t remember what it is…  The only difference is that this is the good kind of goodbye, the kind that fills me with a special inner peace in my heart and an orgasmic and wet feeling in my balleens.

And i feel like this goodbye is something i look forward to every year, a goodbye that i want to sing from the tops of mountains and through the clouds of the heavens, a goodbye that makes children sing and angels cry from it’s beauty.

 And i also feel this goodbye involves a certain hockey goalie, a man whose beauty cannot be denied which is the exact opposite of his quest to win the Stanley Cup which will FOREVER be denied.

And while i feel that a lot of the goodbyes that have been said lately hurt our soul to say, this one however makes it cry out in glee!  Like a newborn puppy being born, or a spring flower blooming for the first time,  or when that hot girl you had a crush on in 8th grade let you put it in her 5 hole as you shot the puck with your stick deep inside her net.  And i feel this way because although i only get to say this special goodbye once a year, it’s as fantastic a holiday as Christmas morning for a child!

And if this goodbye proves ANYTHING it’s that not all goodbyes are a bad thing, and that deaths really do come in threes…

And i guess i shouldn’t keep the suspense up any longer, since i know none of you have figured out what i’m talking about and just want me to tell you.  Although ok fine, i’ll give you ONE more hint.  This goodbye also involves one of the most historic and greatest sports venues of all time, a mecca that only real dirtbags would ever try to disgrace.

But the time has finally come for me to drop my favorite goodbye of the year, although to be more specific it’s more of a LATER DICKS! then an actual goodbye.  So to the New York Rangers, that HORRIFIC lame excuse of a hockey team that has only won one fluke Stanley Cup since 19 gddamn 40!  And to poor little Henrik, a beautiful man whose good looks are only surpassed by his inability to win the big game yet is still called the King for some ungodly reason.  And also to all of you classless, soulless, heartbroken New York Rangers fans who will never, EVER see another Stanley Cup in your lifetimes or your children if any of you have any…

And to any and/or all of you who are fans of the New York Rangers that read my blog, just know that i HATE that team with my entire being, and i literally with every inch of my sexy and slightly overweight body despise all that you are.  And even though i’m only writing one more blog, possibly until the end of summer i have ZERO problems spending all of this one saying that NOTHING makes me happier then the Rangers getting knocked out of the playoffs.  And while you Ranger fans sit there in your tears unable to drink anything because like Lundqvist you have no cups, i am at home LAUGHING at your misery and i will never, EVER get sick of it!

And oh yeah…

LATER DICKS!

And that’s it for me today kids!  And sure some of you might thing it’s a little obnoxious and overboard to spend one of my last two blogs doing nothing but destroying the Rangers and laughing at their misery.  But lucky for me it’s my f*ckign blog and i do what i want!

And next week i’ll let you know all about my feelings about becoming a dad and taking this long break from my blog and blah blah blah who cares.  Well hopefully you guys do, but i’ll find that out next week on my FINAL blog!!!

Cya next Tuesday! – miguel jose

My Sixth Annual 4/20 Blog!

19 Apr

 

 

Not every drug is bad.  Some are GREAT!” – Bill Hicks

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, with every stoner’s favorite holiday coming up tomorrow it’s time to take off the kid gloves around you people who think weed is a bad thing and tell you all to GROW UP already!  i mean it was one thing when i was a kid and adults would talk about how bad drugs are and scare us about EVERYTHING and convince us children that weed is bad and that it’s a gateway drug and it funds terrorism and it’ll ruin your life and blah blah blabbity blah…

From you alright!  i learned it from watching you!

But for real, now that i’m an adult (or at least play one on this blog) i can tell you that all of those lies are HORSE$HIT and i’m sick of having to pretend that weed is bad in front of all of you lame, uneducated, paranoid, rule abiding, pansy a$$ Pu$$ies any longer.  Because that’s what the rest of us ADULTS have to do around you small minded people.  We have to keep anything involving “the pot” away from you, whether it be talking about it, or pregaming before a concert with a joint, or smoking a blunt in your garage during your daughters 2 year old birthday party, or even those bong hits we took driving in the car on Route 17 on the way to visit you at Ramapo College in Linden dorm room.  All of us have HAD it with treating this subject with kid gloves around you infants and we won’t take it anymore! Or maybe we will, because unfortunately society still looks down on smoking weed like i’m Hester Prynne wearing a Scarlet Letter “W” on my chest.  For some reason it’s completely fine to watch your kids while drinking wine and popping percocets in broad daylight but if instead i took a few hits from a plant that grows freely on the Earth now i’m the dirtbag.  Which is unfortunately the truth most of us have to deal with as we have to lie to our family, friends, teachers, work, the police and the government and say we don’t do it.  Although i don’t mean me, because of course i don’t do drugs.  Up with hope, down with dope!  And do i look like someone who would smoke… marijuana?  Because for real i DEFINTELY don’t take the pot, it’s the pollen outside making my eyes red i swear!

But whether you like to dab in smoking that sweet, sweet chiba or if you’re blowing it and you don’t i still hope you have a fantastic holiday.  And if you don’t celebrate it have a great random Wednesday i guess.  But enjoy today’s Random Nonsense, and if you don’t find it funny you should probably keep smoking until you do!

RANDOM NONSENSE

 – If you’re reading this on Tuesday and you live in New York, PLEASE go vote for Bernie Sanders and help make our country and this world a better place!  i mean yeah i should probably be just telling you to go out an vote in general and not put a bias on it.  But as long as i still have the kid gloves taken off i might as well also be honest and say if you don’t realize that Bernie is the best candidate for our society then no offense you are doing everything wrong and are blowing it.  Even if you like Hillary who i’m not a fan of even though i don’t hate her the way everyone else does i will say she’s a million times better then any Republican running for President and she won’t end our existence on this planet the way Cruz or Trump will.  She’ll just keep them status quo which sucks ass but it’s still better then ANY of the Repubs.

But Bernie is the BEST, and after voting for him today make sure you also donate to his campaign on Wednesday as well.  Why on Wednesday?  So you can donate $4.20 on 4/20!

Bernie has called for the federal decriminalization of marijuana and an end to the failed war on drugs, which has for many years disproportionately targeted minorities and low-income communities. No other presidential candidate has done the same.

So, we urge all cannabis reformers, activists, patients, enthusiasts entrepreneurs, advocates and professionals to donate $4.20 (or $42 or $420) to Bernie Sander’s campaign on April 20th, 2016. Let’s make this YUUUGE and send a message to the establishment that alone we’re harmless bees but together we’re a ferocious swarm that will not be silenced! Please join the event and invite your fellow cannabis supporters, friends and family. Go!

#BernGreenGiveGreen #BurnOneForBernie #YesHeCann

And don’t forget to join Cannabis Reformers for Bernie: “Putting the grass in grassroots!”

– If i could take a break from all of this weed talk for a second, i’d like to admit that i’ve always wished i could play the piano.  i think it’s wonderful instrument and it’s always been a dream of mine to play a beautiful solo in front of a classy audience and it bothers me that i may never be able to do so.

One person who has lived that dream however is my friend Buddy, who is not only a talented and classically trained penis, but he also cannot wait to celebrate with his last name on tomorrow’s holiday.  So enjoy today’s entry into  The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  with Buddy Weed and “Piano Solos with Rhythm Accompaniment!” i give it my HIGHEST recommendation!

Now before i go today I’d like to leave you all with a little love story.  It’s one i told before a long time ago, but since i have a lot of new readers and since it’s funny as hell i have no problem posting it again now.  So enjoy this tale of love, heartbreak, deceit, lies,  and passionate sex, and trust me when i say it’s a love story for the ages…

So i’m gonna throw a curveball at you and get a little personal because i think it’s about time that i admitted to all of you that i am in fact seeing someone. Yeah yeah, i know no one wants me to get all romantical when i should be writing a fun marijuana blog.  But it’s time i admit to the world that i found the girl i love and that i’ve never been happier in my life.

It’s funny, because the first time i met her was back in the summer of 8th grade.  i can remember like it was yesterday, hanging at my friend Jim’s house with Oates and crew for a small party. We were all chillen and drinking and laughing when out of nowhere, she walked in.  Her name was Mary, and even though i had heard about her before i had never seen her in person.  But she looked beautiful, and she smelled like an Angel’s whisper.  i didn’t expect to even talk to her at first but then the next thing i know she was right in front of me and my love affair with Mary had begun.  It started off slow, she didn’t live that close to me at first so i would only see her occasionally.  And we were both young so the relationship was just young puppy love if anything.  But it was also tough because we had to hide our love from a lot of people.  i knew my parents wouldn’t approve so i couldn’t tell them, and some of my closest friends just could not understand why i would want to be with her.  So as far as our relationship went those first few years were by far the roughest.  Although i must admit i wouldn’t change those memories for anything.

So that’s how things went for awhile, we would see each other when we could and we basically kept our relationship hidden from most people.  It wasn’t that i was ashamed of her necessarily, i just knew that people would never understand.  But it wasn’t until college that things got REALLY serious.  Once i got to college we really took our relationship to the next level.  She wasn’t the first girl i ever slept with but she is easily my most favorite.  And we were ANIMALS in college, in the morning we would start having sex as soon as we woke up.  We would bang at lunch, in between class, after class, before dinner, after dinner, before we went to bed, sometimes randomly at night we would wake up at night and just F each other’s brains out and then go back to sleep.  We just couldn’t get enough of each other and every time we slept together i would just want her that much more.

And why wouldn’t i?  She never judges me, she never gets mad at me, and we’ve never had a fight ever.  And like Seth Rogen said in Pineapple Express she just makes everything better.  She makes food taste better, she makes sex feel better, she makes movies better, she makes everything funnier.  i just love being with Mary so much, she’s like a natural high only not natural and with THC.  You’re probably wondering why i haven’t married this girl yet, and i’ll be honest that’s a fair question.  But our love goes beyond marriage, she knows i don’t need a piece of paper to prove my love to her.  What does she have to be insecure about?  She knows she’s my favorite, and she knows i think she’s the best and she knows i will ALWAYS come back to her.  There have been times when we had to be apart, and those times hurt my soul more then i’d care to admit.  But in the end, she will always be my girl, my partner in crime if you will.  All i need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend.  And Mary, you will forever be my girl.  i love you Mary Jane!  XOXOXOXO

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope you all have the money 4/20, and to help others achieve the same thing why not share my blog with them to make their holiday even better!  It’s free, it’s legal, and it might even get you high with laughter!  Especially if you do a big bong hit first!

But have a great week and i’ll cya here next Tuesday with an all new blog!

LATER DICKS! –  miguel jose

The Blog About SPRING BREAK!!!

12 Apr

We don’t have a lot of time on this Earth! We weren’t meant to spend it this way.  Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day filling out useless forms and listening to 8 different bosses drone on about mission statements. – Peter Gibbons “Office Space”

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, it’s mother*cking SPRING BREAK!!  It’s time to let loose, drink some brews, smoke some trees, and enjoy this wonderful week off from school!  Now sure i don’t mean any of this kind of celebration for myself, as i don’t have off from work and i’m not lucky enough to be off from school either.  Mostly because i’m 100 years old and i don’t go anymore.

But man i can remember my favorite Spring Break like it was yesterday, the one where me and 11 dudes went to Cancun the week that MTV was filming their “Spring Break.”  Which meant literally ALL of the hottest and sluttiest TRL with Carson Daly baby girls were all in one place, and it was the same place that we were at!

And yeah i could tell you about how we went out boozing till 5 am every single night at all the clubs in Cancun, and how i ordered Long Island Ice teas at every single bar 2 at a time so i could get as drunk as possible every night.  Or i could tell you about Marti Gras night at Senor Frogs which to this day is STILL the most INSANE sexually intense party that i have ever seen with nothing but naked girls and random hooking up with strangers just  to get beads.  Beads for Deeds!  And i could also tell you how one friend of mine who will go nameless found a random driver’s license of some girl, and then in a crowd of thousands of people actually found the girl whose license it was and as a reward they made out immediately and he touched her goodies.  And i know what you’re asking now, “What is his name???”

But instead i’d rather tell you the tale of our first night, because after a long scary flight on board a tiny plane with drunk rowdy fools we finally got to the airport.  And then after a few transfers and a long bus ride we FINALLY got to the hotel at like 1 in the morning which means the smart thing to do would be to get some rest and start fresh in the morning.  But of course instead we all took showers and got ready to go out, so first thing we did is hop in the bus to take us to the craziest bars ever!  Sounds awesome right!

Yeah except for the fact that in Cancun the buses only go one way down the road, and since our hotel was at the end of that road we got on it going the wrong way and they just took us to the SHADYEST part of town ever.  You know, the one everyone tells you not to go to unless you want to get raped and killed, hopefully in that order.  So we tell the bus driver we want to be taken to the center of town and he tells us we need to pay him again.  And of course we think this is a scam and don’t want to do it because he’s just taking advantage of us dumb Americans.  But since we have no choice and since my dumb ass doesn’t speak Spanish we all paid him AGAIN and this time we were hopefully headed into town…

So at this point it’s like 3:30 in the morning, we’re all dead tired after a full day of flying and traveling and bus rides and hotels and blowing it and we’re all basically just ready to go home and sleep… until we FINALLY get to the center of town and find bars, food, people, women, and basically LIFE!  We jump off the bus and find this money bar playing rap music and we IMMEDIATELY start doing shots and boozing it up to no end.  There were hot bartenders on the bar pouring shots down our throat, the most INSANELY delicious tacos that to this day i still dream of, and of course Jay John was able to find a guy selling trees that he bought and we went back to the room totally drunk and ended up chillin in the ocean on the beach at 5:30 a.m. as the sun was rising to smoke a blunt and start the craziest week of my life…

But yeah now i’m at work with no days off in sight, i haven’t played beer pong in weeks and the only drinks i get poured down my throat is the hot coffee i spill while trying to wake up on the road at 8 in the morning during rush hour.  But at least i had one crazy Spring Break in my life so i’m happy about that!  That’s right, these tears pouring down my face are from happiness!  And from that onion i was cutting earlier!  On to the nonsense!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– Do you all want to know a classy and inexpensive item to bring to any gathering or event that’ll make you a hero to the hosts and a big hit at the party?  It’s ICE!  Which for some reason no one ever thinks to bring, and anyone who has ever thrown a party knows you could always use some more f*cking ice.  To the point where there’s always a late text sent to a close friend who isn’t there yet asking, “Could you please bring ice?”

So instead of waiting for that panicky text from your desperate friend just pick up a couple of bags of ice instead and go from zero to hero! “Wait, so until i brought the ice to the party i was a zero? What the F is that $hit about??” Sorry, i can only help with one thing at a time on this blog.  Maybe i can answer that next week!

– All of us speak to God from time to time, whether it be praying for a loved one, wanting to win the lottery, or that you hope that hot girl actually falls for your game for once and actually lets you get into those sweet, sweet panties of hers.

Some people however have a direct line to the man upstairs, and while most of those people are priests and/or nuns there is ONE man who has the Lord on speed dial, and he’s also my next entry into The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  So please enjoy Jerry Irby and “Hot Line to Heaven!”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Hey people who call out “sick” from work, when you come in the next day you don’t have to do that awful acting job of pretending like you’re still really sick to convince us.  We didn’t believe you when you called out yesterday and we certainly don’t believe you today.  And trust us, no one gives a $hit anyway.  We all saw you post that Facebook status saying “At the mall for Christmas shopping!”  Or when you tagged yourself at that movie with your friend.  Or when you tweeted “What a great day to have off!”  We all know this and we all don’t care, they are your sick days so do with them what you wish.  

  But when you come in the next day acting like Meryl Streep on her death bed, coughing and wheezing and having to tell EVERYONE the same story about your stomach bug and how you couldn’t move and stop throwing up and how you almost went to the doctor, THAT is when we all hate you.  So just leave out the part the next day when you attempt to win that Academy award and everyone will be fine. 

Fast Food Tips – For those of you who don’t remember, Wendy’s was the original place to have a $1 value menu, everyone else just copied them afterwards.  Back then, eating disgusting garbage that destroyed your insides was big business and people had no problem shoving horrific and expensive BK and McDonalds grade F meat down their fat sweaty throats without a care in the world.

But of course the stupid liberal media keeps trying to tell people it’s not healthy to eat fake processed nonsense so none of these  expensive meals seems quite that attractive anymore and they are going back to the $1 menus.  Or in Wendy’s case they are doing the 4 for $4 menu where you can pick any 4 items for 4 beans so you can cheaply destroy your giant stomach and tender anus.  And you can also add the crispy chicken BLT to the list because that’s the newest item added to the 4 for 4 deal!  You’re welcome America!

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope you all have a great week, and if you’re on Spring Break it’d better be the BEST week!  And if not just think of us poor slobs who don’t have off and hopefully that’ll make it better!  If not oh well, i still hope you enjoyed today’s blog and i’ll see you here next Tuesday with an all new one!

Cya, – miguel jose

The Blog After Wrestlemania 32

5 Apr

” I get a lot of influence from Pro Wrestling.  People are like, ‘Oh it’s fake.’ But it’s not about whether the guy wins or loses, it’s about how he entertains you the whole time you’re watching.” – Gabriel Iglesias

What is up kids?

So did everyone have a good weekend? i know i’m asking this on a Tuesday when last weekend seems like FOREVER ago and you’re dying for it to be Friday already so you can enjoy your few days off for what feels like 3 seconds and then the next thing you know it’s already Monday and the horrific cycle that is work and life starts all over again…

But for today i’m going to go back, back to last Saturday when my beautiful wife and i attended the wedding of two people that are perfect for each other Mike and Alicia.  And speaking of perfect, their wedding was the epitome of what everyone dreams their wedding will be like.  A beautiful ceremony, the SICKEST cocktail hour complete with a mac and cheese bar and high end open bar so there was every delicious food and booze you can imagine!  So yeah it was a gorgeous ceremony and a fun party between two people who love each other and belong together and i couldn’t be happier that they included us on their special day!

And yes, when i got home the first thing i did was pass out drunk on my couch in my full suit only to wake up 4 hours later not knowing where i was and then spent another 2 hours puking my guts out and writhing in agony.  i don’t have to be a responsible adult just yet, my child won’t be born for another month!

But yeah after that incredible Saturday i spent my Sunday morning… okay i spent the morning on all 4’s throwing up in the shower as well, are you happy?? Stop judging me!!  But i also met up with my boys  Jay John and Duffy to hit up our annual all you can eat buffet on the day of WrestleMania, a tradition that we’ve kept going for the last SEVENTEEN YEARS!!  And what better way to celebrate watching a bunch of hot jacked men in tights wrestle each other and tell each other to SUCK IT then by shoving unlimited amounts of salty meat down your throats with your best friends!

So yeah after an incredible weekend of friends, love, food, booze and barf i am SPENT!  Good thing for me it’s only Tuesday and the weekend is f*cking FOREVER away.  But at least you’ve got some free ha ha’s and some Nonsense to help make this week go faster!  You’re welcome!!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– i f*cking HATE teeth.  Not like looking at them or anything the way i hate looking at disgusting sweaty feet, i mean i hate the idea of teeth.  The maintenance, the brushing, the flossing, the mouthwash, bleeding gums, going to the DENTIST, it’s all the WORST! And how come you can go to the doctor for literally ANY part of your body unless it’s the teeth and then you have to see someone else?  It’s garbage and just another way to get screwed by insurance, even though for some reason dental never covers ANYTHING and you have to pay a ton out of pocket anyway. But at least everything he does hurts a lot!

And i know what some of you girls are thinking, “OMG i love my dentist!”  And i’m sure he loves you too, mostly because he hangs out with you when your mouth is full of cotton and/or tubes and you can’t talk or say anything.  Trust me, a lot more people would feel the same way if that was always the case!

 

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Speaking of hangovers, I might have said this before but when i’m dying and starving and get a bacon egg and cheese on a bagel for my hangovers i get it with mayo and not ketchup.  Some people think this is gross, but those people are judgemental aholes who don’t understand the pain i go through with my hangovers.  Because if they did, they’d know that all the fat and grease from a bacon egg and cheese is almost enough to make me feel better, but it’s that coating of mayo that REALLY makes my tummy scream in orgasm.  Nothing like covering delicious fatty bacon with even more liquid fat!

i would think most of you haven’t even tried it yet so i’m telling you now, go do it!  i may be hurt up, but once i took a bite of that juicy greasy disaster my friend in my pants went boooooWHIP!  And i’ll tell you right now that stuff that came out sure as hell wasn’t mayo!  Alright that last bit is a little rough.  But yeah for real you should try it.  The mayo i mean, not my “booowhip” sauce.

– So now that i’m married to my best friend and a hot girl way out of my league and am lucky enough to have our first child on the way i have to say my life is pretty great and i like it a lot.  But maybe not as much as this next guy, as Jim Post is literally living the DREAM.  It’s hard to argue that he has it better then most, especially when looking at my next entry into the  The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!   Which is why today i present to you Jim Post and “i Love My Life!”

Fast Food Tips – If you’re like me your favorite thing to do is to go to Burger King, eat a Whopper and enjoy as it destroys your stomach and intestines and then squirts out fast from between your butt cheeks hopefully into a toilet.  But if you’re also like me you can’t help but wonder, “Can it get any worse?”  And with today’s Fast Food Tip i’m here to tell you yes, it can!

And this is because BK has introduced it’s ANGRIEST Whopper yet, one that not only has jalapenos on the burger but the buns are also infused with hot sauce to give it an even extra kick.  And i guarantee that once you eat one your own personal buns will be infused with hot sauce as well, as will the inside of your toilet bowl!  Bon appetit!

And that’s it for me today kids!  Sorry for the delay, I’ve been having site issues all day but hopefully you still find today’s blog funny as f*ck balls.  But have a great week and i’ll see you all next Tuesday with an all new blog!  And hopefully on time as well!

Cya,  miguel jose

The Blog About My 1st Tribe Show and Where We Say Goodbye To Phife Dawg :(

29 Mar

“I have a quest to have a mic in my hand
Without that, it’s like Kryptonite and Superman
So Shaheed come in with the sugar cuts
Phife Dawg’s my name, but on stage, call me Dynomutt
When was the last time you heard the Phife sloppy
Lyrics anonymous, you’ll never hear me copy
Top notch baby, never coming less
Sky’s the limit, you gots to believe up in Quest” – A Tribe Called Quest “Award Tour”

What is up kids.

So this story i’m about to tell took place back in 2007 or 2008, i can’t remember which.  But the fact that 2007 was almost 10 years ago when i still think the 90’s as being 10 years ago just confirms the fact that i’m old as F*CK…

But after years of being split up, A Tribe Called Quest got back together and they were doing an award tour with Muhammad my man, going each and every place with a mike in their hand.  New York, NJ, NC, VA… but it’s at the Starland Ballroom in NJ where me and my boy Jay John saw them.

If you’ve never been to Starland it’s a mad small place to see a show, basically it’s just a very large bar. Although speaking of the bar, it was located on the left hand side of the stage not too far away at all.  So of course even though we were both already pretty bombed we immediately walked right to the bar to get some drinks.  But the best thing was there was a big step you had to step on to get up to the bar, although after you did that and got your drinks they didn’t make you leave.  So instead of going back to the floor of the concert with all of the other maniacs we just chilled at the bar the entire concert getting our drinks and higher then everyone else with the best view ever!  And yes, i said we were higher then everyone too…

So we’re watching the Tribe reunion and it was the MONEY!  They played all of the best songs, there was SO much energy in the crowd and we watched it from the best seats ever WHILE getting drinks the entire time!  Best night ever, right?  Not to mention that Jay was the guy who got me into Tribe back in high school because it was his favorite band, and all it took was me listening to Midnight Mauraders to know this $hit was my JAM, and that’s before i even got to the best album in hip hop of all time A Low End Theory!

But the craziest thing out of everything was that it was about to get better, because when Tribe came back out for their encore and started rapping “Award Tour” for some unknown reason of the Gods Q-Tip decided to run over to the bar and start rapping and walking around the bar right by us!  Not only that, when it got to the part that goes:

Who can drop it on the angle, acute at that
So, do that, do that, do do that that that (come on)
Do that, do that, do do that that that (OK)…

on the last part Q-tip gives the mic to Jay so that Jay John can sing the last

Do that, do that, do do that that that!

So yeah it’s not every day that you get to see your favorite rap group of all time in person, it’s quite another when your best friend actually gets on the mic and drops those funky beats with Q-Tip right in front of you!  i must have gotten the best pictures of it too right?  Wrong!  This was back in 2007 with the stupid flip phones, i had NONE chance to take it out and get a picture quick enough.  How was i supposed to know Q-Tip was going to come run to the bar and add Jay John to the group??

But it was a totally perfect night, except for the part where i was bombed walking back to our car and i went to take a piss not realizing we were parked right by this disgusting swamp and i totally took a large step into what i hope was mud and had to put my entire arm in it too to stop me from falling all the way in.  Lucky for me i pushed myself out and was only half covered in disgusting sewage but i did have to drive home like that which sucked.  i probably should have ended the story before i told that part.  But oh well, on to the Nonsense!

RANDOM NONSENSE

 

– So i think i’m going to try and stop talking about what a raving lunatic and orange bag of douche Donald Trump is on this blog from now on.  Not because i don’t realize it with every inch of my soul what a worthless narcissistic ignorant hate monger he is because i do.  But it’s really because i’m done pretending that people with worthless dumb opinions need to be pandered to because they don’t understand things.  If i have to use any of my breath to explain to you how horrific Donald Trump is it’s really not worth my time or effort to even bother since there are probably a million other things you don’t get if this is something you actually do think makes sense.

What’s next, i need to argue with you that 2 + 2 doesn’t equal 5?  i mean if you want to vote for Trump you might also believe that, am i also supposed to teach you why that’s wrong too? i don’t know, but i can tell you that i won’t.  Because it’s just too exhausting waiting for all of the children who don’t get things to catch up to the rest of us.  So keep wanting to vote for Trump all you want, just make sure you get out of the pool when it’s time for “Adult Swim” so i can do my laps!

– All of us wonder if other people find us attractive.  Whether you are single, married, dating, divorced, or even just curious we cannot help the fact that part of us always wants to know if other men or women alike think we are pretty and/or handsome.

But sometimes that curiosity can be too much, and instead of just wondering we just need to ASK.  Which is why i give a LOT of credit to Andy Carroll in this next entry into the The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  Andy is done playing games, and it’s on this album he asks the one question that we all want to… “Do You Want to Touch Me”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So some of you will probably hate me for saying this but i do not like hammocks, AT ALL!  And i know some people love hammocks more then life itself, and nothing makes them happier then to relax on a hammock outside taking a nap on a beautiful summer day…

But i’m just too big and fat for a hammock.  And  they are so awkward to get into!  i have to just jump in like a lard ass and then start swinging around like a fat idiot. And then when i finally do get settled and try to nap i realize i forgot my cell phone inside or my drink in the kitchen or that i have to go to the bathroom, and that’s when the REAL fun starts!  Because if you are overweight and you are trying to get out of a hammock you end up looking like a beached whale who’s only option ends up being laying in the same spot on the beach and dying there.  And sure your friends might help you get out, but not before they point and laugh at you trying to do it yourself.  So enjoy your hammock skinny people!  i’ll take a nap inside on my soft queen size bed and Egyptian cotton sheets where there are way less annoying bugs biting me all over my entire fat body.

And yes that is just a picture of a fat guy and not a fat guy on a hammock but i saw this picture on Google and it made me laugh so i hope it made you laugh too!  Unless that is a picture of you of course…

– So as you’ve probably noticed i haven’t been talking about eating Fast Food a lot lately and it’s for a good reason, i have given it up for 2016.  That’s right kids, you’re humble yet slightly overweight narrator has given up Fast Food AND bagels this year and so far i haven’t had either all of 2016.  Now don’t strike up the band for my parade just yet, i’m still eating all sorts of garbage that aren’t listed in those two categories.  But as far as Fast Food Tips  goes i haven’t even really wanted any and i don’t think i will anytime soon…

Except that i’m DYING to try Taco Bell’s new $1 breakfast menu!!  Sausage flatbread quesadillas, mini skillet bowl with eggs and fiesta potatoes, grilled bacon or sausage breakfast burritos, and there’s even more but i need to stop writing this ASAP so i can go try all of these immediately!  Hey New Years Resolutions… LATER DICKS!

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope you all enjoyed today’s free ha ha’s, and for real RIP Phife Dawg and thank you for giving me some of the best and greatest music i’ve ever heard in my life.

See you kids next Tuesday with an all new blog! – miguel jose

 

 

 

My 420th Blog Ever And The One That Changes EVERYTHING

15 Mar

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?” – Jim Gaffigan

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s mother*cking up, this is my 420TH Blog EVER!!!  Holy f’n $hitballs kids, that’s a lot of mother*cking gddamn blogs!  Light that $hit if you got em because this is a HUGE milestone for me, one that i would have never thought it’d be possible for me to achieve!

Although speaking of kids and huge milestones (and mother*cking for that matter…) i do have some pretty big news to tell all of you, news that unless you are someone who is dumb enough to fall for Donald Trump’s awful garbage and actually think he’d be a good president when he can’t even make a halfway decent human being you are probably smart enough to have figured it out already.

But yeah i can’t think of a better way to finally admit it here on my four hundred and twentieth blog that me and my beautiful wife are having our first child which means i guess i’m going to be a dad!  Well not i guess, i straight up know that your not so humble narrator through this wacky ride called life is going to be a daddy!  Do you believe in miracles?

Although if i’m being honest it’s really not a miracle.  i mean i know i’ve always joked about lusting over barely legal blondes and baby girls in general, like some sort of creepy old man who finds these kinds of jokes hilarious when all of the women reading this think i’m pathetic and old and would rather share a subway sandwich with Jared Fogle then hear a senior citizen like myself talk about Kate Upton.  Which is funny because all of the guys are sitting here thinking, “What the hell happened to all of the Kate Upton pictures you used to post you whipped basterd??!”

But the truth is that behind this mask of immature humor and underage horror all i’ve ever wanted in life are all of the same things that you kids want.  And that’s to love and be loved, and for ONCE to be able to drink 3 bottles of red wine all by myself and wake up knowing where my pants are!

And if you seriously want to talk miracles the one thing that is a miracle is that not only did i end up finding that special someone, i found her when i expected it the least and in the last place i would ever look, my hometown of Dumont!

So yes, in the big scheme of things it’s crazy and amazing that i was able to find the right woman for yours truly, a sexy yet slightly overweight formerly unemployed Hispanic guy who writes a comedy blog and has his own Youtube show where he reviews and smashes 80’s movies VHS tapes.  Which when you look at it like that it’s hard to believe that i wasn’t married already, i mean what a catch!

But whatever, i was lucky enough to find someone i love and who loves me back and now we’re married and starting a family and i couldn’t be happier and i have to say it is a straight up miracle.  Just the being lucky enough to find the love of my life part though, the having a child part is definitely NOT a miracle.  i mean we both love each other and we had sex and i left my P in her V when i was done.  So yeah none miracle there kids, that’s just science!

And i know some of you must be asking yourself, “Is this what this blog has finally become?  After all of these years of playing beer pong and eating Turvinos pizza and doing power hours of Natty light while ogling pictures of young hot baby girls that would never have anything to do with me in real life even if i were rich, is this blog now going to become… a DADDY blog?!?!?  Has miguel jose finally made his full turn to the dark side???”

The truth is though i don’t know what’s going to happen with this blog.  i mean i’ve always genuinely hated it when comics that i loved and respected became older boring comics who do jokes about being married and parenting and only talk about how kids say the darnedest things!  i mean for real, that $hit is boring as F*CK!  Unless Louie CK is making jokes about it of course.

 So yeah, i’m not gonna sit here and say one way or the other what this blog is going to be about from now on because i honestly have no clue.  And i always promised myself that on MY blog that i would write about whatever the f*ck I want!  i don’t care if it’s being married, being a dad, funneling so many beers that i do the Electric slide with all of my guy friends on our annual camping trip, or even the first time i got a boner when i was a kid by rubbing my junk on the metal pole of the swings with my friend Daryl which we called “the Dicking feeling.”  i have always and will always continue to do what i want, when i want, as long as it’s f*cking funny!

 So if you’ve stuck with me this far i wouldn’t leave just yet, because even though i’m older then dirt and about as fun you also have to admit that it’s been a f*cking CRAZY ride my friends!  And even after 420 blogs i still plan on bringing you the money, so stick around as i shove said money and all of the free ha ha’s my dome and soul can create down your thought hole and into your funny bone!  Something i plan to do no matter how old i get!

RANDOM NONSENSE

Since this blog is a HUGEMONGOUS milestone for me i plan on doing what i always do on my milestone blogs and post some of my favorite Random Nonsense from these 420 blogs i’ve written!  And yeah some of you may think this is just me being lazy and reposting old jokes but whatever, i’ve earned the right to repost my funniest bits every once in awhile.  And besides, don’t try to bring me down today when i’m on cloud 9!

But one thing i do want to tell you all is that Season THREE of VHS Breakdown is already in production, and we should be able to start airing these episodes next month!  And i don’t know what’s more surprising, the fact that an immature ahole like me is about to have a family or that Rob and i finally got off of our lazy a$$es to start completing the new season.  But either way, check out VHSBREAKDOWN.COM to catch up on all of the 80’s movies we’ve already done.  And get ready for a new season with more smashes, more 80’s goodness and more WHAPPEM’S AND boooWHIPS! then you’ve ever seen before!!!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE

(From my very first blog back in March of 2011!) –  i’m sick of people complaining about the snow when they live in the NJ/NY area.  “It’s snowing again, FML!” “OMG i can’t wait till the warm weather, i can’t take this anymore!” “i can’t believe there’s snow in March, i wanna move to Florida!”  Then f’n move to Florida already!  It snows in this area of the world, get over it.  You might as well complain that it gets dark at night and then in the morning it gets light again.  “Why can’t it be light all the time?!?” That’s just the way it is aholes.  We all like warm weather but we live here so relax and/or shut your useless trap!

– i hate Capri pants.  Obviously on men but ESPECIALLY on women.  And i don’t mean i dislike them or that i am not really a fan, i mean i straight up HATE them.  “Whoo hoo, check out my calves!”  Terrific, you’re literally showing me the only part of your body that doesn’t give me a b0ner.  Definitely don’t wear a skirt which is the hottest thing ever, wear those dumb ass capri pants instead.  No wonder you’re still single.

–  Whenever there is a group of girls together like a bunch of friends or something, there is always one girl that is the “big” one in the group.  i guess all guys have their own particular nicknames for that girl, from “Shamu”, or “Landfill” or even “Earthquake.”  The possibilities are as endless as her appetite.  Personally  i always thought the funniest nickname to call the big girl in the group is “The Enforcer” but to each his own i guess…

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Peachy Keens”

Alright i’ll be honest, that’s my favorite band name i’ve come up with since “The Bees Knees.”  i dare any of you to try and do better.  i DARE YOU…

–  Here’s a message to all of you people who like to give the middle finger every time someone takes a picture of you… grow up already.  First of all, who are you giving the finger to?  Your friends and/or family taking the picture?  That’s awesome, way to be a classy individual.  Well why else do you do it?  Is it because you really don’t give an f???  Well, i’m guessing that can’t be it, otherwise you would just not be in the picture. Seems like a simple enough solution to me. 

 But besides all of that, do you know what’s the worst crime is from this awful habit?  It’s that this is easily the most unoriginal and played out pose one can do, so not only are you saying F you to your friends and ruining a possible cherished memory you’re doing it in the most unoriginal and boring way possible.  Say cheese!

-Do any of you get embarrassed when you use Coinstar?  i do, a little bit at least.  i mean obviously if you are dipping into your coin situation you must be getting close to rock bottom.  And it’s even extra embarrassing for me because i’m always walking into a bank midday at lunch or something while real people are doing “actual” grown up transactions and i hear things like,  “I’d like to get a new mortgage for my home please!” or “Can you please help me finance my new car?”  

And then you got my dumb broke ass in the corner pouring in all my change like CLANK CLANK CLANK CL CL CL CLANKENTY CLANK!!!  And i always try to play it off like, “Um, i’m only doing this for my little brother!” And then someone goes “We know your little brother, his name is Tomas and he’s married and successful and he’s 3 years younger then you! You should have lied and said it’s for your nephew!”  And i’m like “That’s what i meant! It’s for my…” “Too late ya jerk! We’re not buying it you cheap ahole!”  And then i go home with the $27 i made from the coin star this weekend.  But oh well, at least i can buy a nice lunch.  Thanks Coin Star!

–  Listen, let me make this clear… I DO NOT SUPPORT CHILD MOLESTATION!  But that being said, did you ever watch the show “Dateline” and root for the guy to get away? Like he goes outside, the cops come up on him but he like runs back inside and punches Chris Hanson in the face and jumps out a window and hops the fence and somehow gets away and steals a car and just totally evades the cops?  i seriously doubt they would air that episode, but hopefully it would end up on the interwebs or something. And trust me, i totally hope they catch the guy like the next day or something before he can commit any other crimes, and then they could send him to jail to get raped by big black dudes for the rest of his life.  Because like i said i’m not rooting for child molesters,  i’m just saying it would be cool for once to see someone get away.

And no, it’s not racist to assume it’d be a black guy who would rape him in prison;  i just said that they were black because it would hurt more.  i’m guessing some skinny white dude who is packing a roll of dimes would only cause him some slight discomfort, at most.

– So i know this is another thing i’ve written on a blog before, but if you’ve missed this next bit of knowledge that i’m about to drop on you PLEASE try to take notes and for God’s sake PAY ATTENTION!!! i don’t say this often on this blog but for once i’m giving you some incredible life advice that only stupid people would not listen to.

Whenever you eat a bag of chips, whether it be Doritos or Lays or Crunchy Cheetos or literally ANY bag of chips (except “Puffed” Cheetos of course, because anyone who prefers puffed over crunchy Cheetos is an insane maniac who deserves to be put away behind bars).  But if you open ANY other bag of chips you might like, ALWAYS open the bag of chips from the bottom of the bag, not the top!  i know it may sound and/or look ridiculous, but the way the bag is transported from the factory to the trucks to the warehouses to back to the trucks and eventually to the store where you buy said chips the bag is ALWAYS facing right side up…

Which means that during ALL of this time, ALL of the goodness like the salt and/or flavorings that you love is falling to the bottom of the bag.  So if you open the top of the bag of chips you are getting the LEAST amount of goodness that you can get.  SO DON’T DO IT!  Open the bag UPSIDE DOWN instead, and get all the delicious goodness that has dropped to the bottom that you paid for.  And please, just listen to what i’m saying and realize that you’ve been eating chips wrong you’re entire life.  And for Pete’s sake start opening your bags of chips from the bottom like us cool people have known to do for years. i promise you you’ll thank me later!!!

Fast food tips- Have any of you ordered a “McGangbang” from McDonalds lately? My guess is no, and i’m also guessing you don’t know what that is.  Man are you an ignorant fool!  And i’m sure you don’t think it’s a real thing but go ahead and Google the $hit out of it because you will definitely find it on the Interwebs.  Basically all you do is put an entire $1 McChicken sandwich inside a $1 double cheeseburger.  It’s simple enough and both items are on the dollar menu so you are basically getting a McDonalds feast for $2.16.  Enjoy!  Except for your colon of course…

So i wanted to end this milestone blog with a bang but i guess a Mcgangbang will have to do! But thank you so much to ALL of you for reading my insane ramblings all of these years.  Whether you were with me on blog 1 back in March of 2011 or if this is your first time reading my money jokes i truly appreciate it and i hope i’ve at least made some jokes that have made you laugh, think, get angry, hungry, and possibly horny!

But i hope you’ve all enjoyed at least 1 of these 420 blogs, and even if you haven’t i put this comedy gold out there for FREE week in and week out.  So no matter what you think about me at least you’re always getting your money’s worth!

And oh yeah, since this particular blog is so f’n fantastic i’m going to take a week off to rest my dome piece.  So have a great couple of weeks and i’ll see you all on Tuesday, March 29th when i get back!

Cya! – miguel jose

The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing. Isolated, neurotic, caffine-addled, crippled by procrastination, consumed by feelings of panic, self-loating, and soul crushing inadequacy. And that’s on a good day. – Robert Deniro

8 Mar

 

THE BLOG BEFORE i HIT A MAJOR MILESTONE

 

What is up kids?

So i know lately that this is normally where i talk about politics and try to educate all of you on how incredible Bernie Sanders would be for this country and mankind for that matter, and how Donald Trump is a big bag of orange racist douche who is a lame ass Hitler wanna be without the mustache.  But i promise i’m not talking about any of that today!  Especially when there are way more important things to talk about, like Kim Kardashian putting out a brand new NUDE selife!  OMF’NG you guys, nude selife of Kim Kardashian!  The interwebs are going crazy!

And i have to be honest, this is CRAZY news!  No, not so much about the nude selife that EVERYONE is talking about.  The crazy part is the fact that she’s already famous for a SEX TAPE that she put out and now we’re supposed to care about seeing her naked?  i mean let’s be frank here Kim, i’ve already seen you slurping down on Ray J’s hugemongous python like Maggie sucks on a pacifier in the Simpsons.  And i’ve also seen you get drilled from behind doggy style in your holiest of holies like Ray J was making a Cold Stone  creamery sundae using your naughty hole as the frozen granite to pound on.  And now for some reason i’m supposed to care about seeing you with no clothes on? i think i’m missing something here…

But whatever, if that’s what people are talking about these days i can talk about it too, i can be topical!  i’ve even been trying to get into the latest music, just to stay hip and fresh with the kids!  Like i have to admit, i actually enjoy this Justin Beaver guy, his sensitive singing really hits me in my heart and in my taint!  And i’m also big fan of Kendrick Lamar Odom, i don’t know what’s up with him and Khloe but that guy can really do the rap hops!  And don’t even get me started on Hotline Bling by Drake’s Coffee Cake, that song is my Jam!  And i hear they call him Coffee Cake because his face looks like a Drake’s coffee cake but to be honest that is kinda mean…

But yeah the reason i don’t want to get into politics or anything serious today is because i’m super excited about life right now.  This whole married life thing has been totally awesome and i love being married to my best friend.  And we’ve FINALLY started filming Season 3 of VHS Breakdown and i can honestly say it’s going to be our BEST one yet!  Although when we said we’d be back in 2015 we OBVIOUSLY meant 2016…

And in even more crazy news, this is blog #419 which means next week will be blog 420!!!  Smoke em if you got em kids, because i would have NEVER guessed that i would have written 420 f*cking comedy blogs!  i don’t know about you guys but i’m feeling pretty gddamn proud of myself, and i’ll do my best to make next week’s milestone blog EPIC!

But for now this one will have to do, so enjoy the free ha ha’s and Random Nonsense and get ready for the most smoketastic blog i’ve ever written coming soon!

 RANDOM NONSENSE

– So it’s no secret that i can’t party as hard as i used to anymore.  What used to be weeknights of playing beer pong in a basement listening to 90’s tunes and ordering Turvino’s bacon sicillian pizza and then mornings of being late to work because i spent them on all fours throwing up into my poor abused toilet bowl as i struggled to find pants has now turned into early nights of watching politics on my couch and even earlier mornings of beginner’s yoga and drinking prune juice as i plan my weekend trip to Home Depot… if i have time!

But one person who still gets down is Mrs. Mills, because good f*cking LORD that b!tch can PARTY!  No matter how old she gets you know she still parties hard, as you can tell with this next entry into  The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  Because everyone knows like Matt Dillon in the Outsiders it ain’t a rumble without her, so the next bash you throw make sure to invite this party ANIMAL and have her bring her album, “Mrs Mills All Time Party Dances and Other Favourites!”

– Can we all just stop with this writing in script nonsense?  What is the gddamn point?  Oh right, we came up with script because writing in regular print form took too long and script made it faster.  What a great idea!  Except now everyone writes on computers and cell phones and we literally NEVER have to write in script anymore!  So not only is it completely useless, it’s also f’n IMOSSIBLE to read!  People have terrible handwriting when they print things out, so when they write in script it’s like trying to read a drunk 4 year old’s crayon representation of a Stephen King novel.

So enough of writing in script everyone!  Unless you write in calligraphy because that $hit is straight up money AND fancy!

 “OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So like any decent human being i support gay rights, and i for one couldn’t be happier to see all the rapid progress that their cause has achieved even in just these last few years.  i think it’s absurd that gay marriage is not recognized in every state in America yet, and it’s a disgrace that there are even less LGBT laws protecting gay people in the work place.  Being Gay is obviously how you are born and not a “choice,” and it’s about time everyone realized this and started acting that way.

That being said, toys like these for little kids can’t help.  And i’m not saying it’s a bad thing if you’re a parent and you WANT your kid to be gay, i’m just saying there has to be more subtle ways then getting them toys like this…

Fast Food Tips – Some people think i’m a fake Mexican because i can’t speak Spanish.  And while those people are racist ignorant aholes who say hateful and hurtful things they just also might be right.  No, not about me, about Taco Bell!  Taco Bell is about as Mexican as Donald Trump, case in point their newest creation which CLEARLY comes from the mind of  dirtbag American, The Quesalupa.  Which is made up of a chewy Chalupa shell on the outside with pepper jack cheese baked right inside the shell.  Oh that’s right, melty cheese stuffed right inside the shell filled with seasoned beef, lettuce, tomato, even more cheese and reduced fat sour cream.  Reduced fat to make sure it still fits in with your diet i guess.  Either way, enjoy this fake ass Mexican debacle because your actual real ass sure won’t!

And that’s it for me today kids! i hope you all enjoyed my politics less blog, good lord i know Miceli is happy i didn’t drop any much needed knowledge on his dome piece today even though he needs it.  But make sure you join me next week as i hit a major milestone, my Four Hundred and Twentieth blog!  Because if you liked my 4/19 blog you’re gonna love blog number 4/20!

Cya next Tuesday! – @migueljose_85

 

[About businessmen] They don’t even trust each other. They don’t trust one another. When a businessman sits down to “negotiate a deal”, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete, lying prick who’s trying to f*ck him out of his money. So he’s got to do everything he can to f*ck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. – George Carlin

1 Mar

THE BLOG WHERE i SHOVE THE SAME POINTS DOWN YOUR GDDMAN THROATS BECAUSE SOME OF YOU STILL DON’T GET IT

What is up kids?

So i know i’ve been pretty down during these rants a lot lately, mostly because i know that our country is made up of an incredible amount of brain dead ignorant sheep that willingly believe everything that their owners tell them to feel without ever once questioning just how wrong the people in charge are about everything.  Well everyone except for Charles of course.

But i’m sick of using kid gloves to handle all of the people that have it so wrong in this country, and on this planet for that matter.  Like hey a$$holes, stop killing people over the invisible Gods you all believe in!  You can have whatever silly beliefs you want, but when it makes you judge other people differently and even make you want to kill others who don’t worship the same God that you do then you are doing life WRONG.

And to all of you who think that Trump would be a good leader because he’s rich and because he is a businessman and was on Celebrity Apprentice and spews hatred and is the closest thing our country has to our version of Hitler then you are doing life AND politics WRONG.  And if you can’t see how Bernie Sanders has spent his entire life fighting for the middle class and those that don’t have a voice and instead you think of him as the crazy old man who wants to give away everything for free then you are seeing things WRONG.

Although if that’s how you feel about Bernie i don’t not respect you the way i don’t respect people who would vote for Trump.  i mean Bernie is a very different candidate then anything we’ve seen before, and it makes sense if you don’t understand where he comes from.  He actually can’t be bought by lobbies or Super Pacs, especially because he’s the only person running for President who doesn’t have one who also wasn’t given millions by his rich daddy.  Bernie isn’t just some rich jerk off who is running because it’s “his” turn.  He’s running because he believes in his country and he believes in its’ people, and more importantly its’ peoples’ ability to realize what all human’s basic rights should include, things like health care and public education.  You know, “radical” ideas.

Because honestly, people hear that Bernie wants to make public college free and some people immediately get mad at that.  Although just think about this objectively for a hot second, people’s first reaction is to get mad when they hear he wants to give away FREE EDUCATION.  And why are they mad?  Because they believe everyone has to work hard and earn everything!  Nothing makes them angrier then the idea of them working for things and then to see other lazy aholes reaping the benefits of what they provide!

But wait, we’re not saying everyone gets a free television here, or a free cell phone, or free Jordans.  We’re talking about EDUCATION.  We’re talking about knowledge that will make people smarter, and then hopefully they won’t be dumb enough to vote for a clueless bigoted bag of douche like Donald Trump.  And people think providing that education for free is a bad idea?

i just don’t get it kids, i just don’t.  People are so brainwashed into getting so mad at the people below them who get their stuff for “free.”  They honestly think people with no jobs just spend all their food stamps on steak and lobster and just have the easiest lives ever provided to them by the ones doing the “real” work.  Yet when you show those same people a chart showing them where all of the new income goes, that the top 1% takes EVERYTHING from EVERYONE and it’s THEM you should be looking at and not the poor people on the bottom they either ignore it, don’t believe it or both.

So yeah, i’m sorry not sorry that i can’t get off of this topic lately but you’re all nuts and you’re all blowing it or at least most of you are.  So wake the f*ck up already!  Or don’t, and walk through life blind to the truth and by believing everything those in charge want you to believe.  Although if that’s still your plan make sure to still read my blog!  If you’re gonna stay ignorant you might as well be ignorant and entertained!

 

RANDOM NONSENSE

– One more thing about Trump, how come all of a sudden people want to trust a businessman?  Are you people f*cking kidding me? People actually think that being a businessman is a compliment? At least politicians have to pretend they care about the people, businessmen make it clear that they are only out for money and that they are only out for themselves, AT ALL COSTS.  And if you need more proof just read Carlin’s quote i used to start this blog and hopefully let that $hit sink in.  Or just read this one!

– And oh yeah, speaking of my man Bernie Sanders this is truly the best way to #FEELTHEBERN…

Image via Instagram

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Gee Whiz”

“OLDSCHOOL” NONSENSE -To all people ordering food at restaurants, you never have to tell your waiter or waitress the following statement: “You can just bring out the food whenever it’s ready!”  Oh really?  What do you think i’m waiting for Ahole?  i mean thank God you told me that because your food’s been ready for at least 2 hours, i was just assuming you wanted to wait.  Could you give me more awful tips on how to help serve you better?  Because i see that you have a full drink in front of you, do you need a refill?  Oh wait i get it, i should probably wait until you finish the drink and then give you the refill.  i’ve only been a waiter for 5 years, can you please give me more useless advice?  Because apparently i need it….

“Facebook Etiquette”-  i’m sure some of you already think this about me on FB and on this blog…

Fast Food Tips –  i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, Burger King is trying to murder us.  They proved it recently with their extra long and extra buttery cheeseburger, and now they want to shove even more disgusting long buttery meat down our fat throats but this time for breakfast!

Which is why BK is now introducing it’s Supreme Breakfast sandwich which has double eggs, double sausage, double cheese and double bacon on a long hoagie bun.  Originally called the “diarrhea delight,” this monstrosity has 880 calories of healthy breakfast goodness, and by “healthy” i mean deadly and by goodness i mean you’re most likely going to spend your last few seconds on this planet holding your stomach and crying in pain on the toilet bowl.  So yeah, that kind of goodness!

And that’s it for me today kids!  Hopefully one of these blogs i’ll shine some sun on your faces instead of raining down depression facials blog after blog but with how stupid this country is you probably shouldn’t hold your breath.  Although i do want to end on a happy note so congrats to my first crush ever who FINALLY won his first Oscar!  If he jumps i jump!

Cya next Tuesday with an all new blog! – miguel jose

One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back. – Carl Sagan

23 Feb

THE BLOG WHERE i DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE

What is up kids?

So like the title says i don’t even know what to say today.  Trump has been winning the last few primaries, proving that most Republicans want a racist bigot for their President.  And one who literally doesn’t explain ANY of his nonsense plans and who hates immigrants even though he’s married to one that is half the age of his first wife.  In addition there was another brutal shooting as a white Uber driver killed 6 people but once again nothing will be done or said about gun violence in this country.  And Amazon has upped it’s minimum requirements from spending $35 to get free shipping to $49 which is a SEVERE kick to the balleen area.
And i gotta say, all of this has me quite down lately which makes it pretty tough to write a comedy blog.  i mean what do i tell a country that is so fooled by Trump’s bull$hit bravado that they actually are voting for him to be our President?  He’s a born rich f*ck who doesn’t even PRETEND to care about anyone but other rich people and/or himself.  Not only that, he pushes all of the worst stereotypes of our country, the ones where we are just big brash loudmouth know it all, know nothings that thinks it’s okay to bully everyone without listening or caring about their opinions.  Which is a fine point of view when you’re someone’s racist uncle, but for that to be the point of view of our possible President?  It’s just straight up insanity and i want no part of it.
But it is Tuesday, and it’s time for me to bring the gddamn money to all of you so that’s exactly what i’m going to do.  So enjoy today’s Random Nonsense which is funny as f*ck if i do say so myself, and hopefully by the time i’m done giving you these free ha ha’s i’ll be in a better mood then i am now.  It’s worth a shot anyway!

 RANDOM NONSENSE

– Just like women’s pubic hair in the late 90’s, the Bush dynasty is OVER.  Which i’m hoping means we won’t have to go to a THIRD pointless war in Iraq but at this point with so many Republicans that are dumb enough to vote for Trump i’m not holding my breath.  And this is even after Trump just said he wanted to punch a protestor in the face at his last rally, which while kinda funny also shows what an unprofessional ahole bully this guy is and how wildly unqualified he is to be our President.

But Jeb exclamation point, you had one of the worst campaigns of all time although at least you wasted over a hundred million dollars of some ahole donors money.  So for achieving that honor there’s only one thing left to say to you…

LATER JEB!

And if for some reason in hell the people in this country aren’t smart enough to vote for Bernie Sanders, even though he’s the only one admitting that our entire system is bull$hit and he’s the only one who isn’t just a rich f*ck pretending to care about the working class and instead he is the exact opposite and he is in fact someone who has fought for the middle class his entire life.  If he doesn’t win the nomination there is only ONE other candidate that will get my support…

– Why do people think it’s okay to ask women when they plan on having kids?  Is there any more personal decision then that to ask someone that for some reason society has decided it’s socially okay to do so?  People realize what having a baby entails, don’t they?  You don’t just HAVE a baby, the first thing that needs to happen is a man has to put his P in your V and leave a pie of the cream variety inside your naughty hole.

And as if that part wasn’t personal enough, having a baby also means a woman has to sacrifice her body for 9 months with no alcohol or drugs to help out her when in fact that is when she needs both things the most.  And not only that, even after her egg gets fertilized by gooey sperm and after the 9 months of nothing but pain and agony and the absolute JOY of childbirth where an 8 pound human being spends hours squeezing out of your holiest of holies in what can be an over 24 hour process, then all you need to do is afford all of the medical bills and pampers and crib and carseat and doctors bills as well as childcare and then school for the next 18 years before college… and for some reason people think it’s okay to just ask women when ALL of this is going to happen?  Sometimes i just don’t get it kids, i just don’t.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Is there anything worse then when you get invited to a wedding and they make you sit through an actual “Mass” before the ceremony?  Really people?  Your cocktail hour better have lobster tails, skirt steak and i’d better get a “happy ending” before dinner if you’re going to make me sit through church for an hour.  It’s bad enough i know neither of you go to church and that you constantly lied to your priest during pre cana, now you’re gonna make my unholy a$$ sit through church to make me feel like a real piece of $hit?  You’d better never get divorced because me and apparently your God will never forgive you!

OMG miguel this is the most offensive blog EVER!!!  How dare you speak about the Lord and our God like this!!!”

Oh relax my touchy religious friends.  i’m not trying to be offensive to your God.  i’m just asking some questions and making funny observations and i’m honestly not even trying to offend anyone for once.  i just don’t think anything is off limits when it comes to comedy, not even God.  And i think it’s only fair that if you are going to believe in a holy entity and All Powerful Being that no one has ever seen then i should be allowed to poke gentle fun as long as i do it in a hilarious way which i have obviously done.

– Sometimes in life it can feel like you’re trapped, and all of the walls are closing in on you.  And you’re also extremely obese and butt naked inside a cardboard box.  And sure some of you might not know what i’m talking about, but others especially this next entry into The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! know EXACTLY what i mean.  And if you still have no f*cking clue first of all i don’t blame you, but more importantly this picture should hopefully clear things up as i give to you Bloodhound Gang and “Hefty Fine”

And on that beautiful note that is it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great week, or at least one that is WAY better then the tone i used to start off today’s blog.  But make sure you tell all of your friends/enemies about how gddamn f*cking funny i am and have them read it too! Or don’t and break my heart and put me in an even worse mood, it’s up to you.

Cya next Tuesday w/ an all new blog!  – miguel jose

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